


Love at first Bread Bowl

by ThreeHats



Category: The Bible, Yu-Gi-Oh!
Genre: Crossover, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-23
Updated: 2016-03-23
Packaged: 2018-05-28 16:15:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6335704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThreeHats/pseuds/ThreeHats
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kaiba waited impatiently at the polished counter for his soup in a hearty bread bowl.  At first, he had been completely floored by the concept; a bowl?  An edible bowl?  MADE OF BREAD?  The idea was so obscenely genius that he was surprised it hadn't come to him first so he could have made a deadly hologram out of it.  But regardless, someone else had thought of it first and now they were profiting.  Kaiba imagined their stupid, likely old faces laughing grotesquely as they swam (most likely naked) in a 10 foot pool of money covered in sourdough crumbs.  Those fat fucks.  Those fat, bread-baking fucks.</p><p>All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Love at first Bread Bowl

All characters, locations and scenarios were pulled out of a hat to create this story, which was written in 30 minutes or less.

 **Characters:** Seto Kaiba, Jesus Christ  
 **Location:** Panera  
 **Scenario:** An alien abduction

 

Kaiba waited impatiently at the polished counter for his soup in a hearty bread bowl. At first, he had been completely floored by the concept; a bowl? An edible bowl? MADE OF BREAD? The idea was so obscenely genius that he was surprised it hadn't come to him first so he could have made a deadly hologram out of it. But regardless, someone else had thought of it first and now they were profiting. Kaiba imagined their stupid, likely old faces laughing grotesquely as they swam (most likely naked) in a 10 foot pool of money covered in sourdough crumbs. Those fat fucks. Those fat, bread-baking fucks.

It was during that moment that Kaiba saw the love of his life enter the Panera.

Brown locks bounced youthfully on broad, thin shoulders. A hand removed sunglasses resting on the bridge of a prominent nose, revealing calm brown eyes behind them. Sunkissed, firm legs extended out from a rather short pair of jean shorts. 

He was the most beautiful man Kaiba had ever seen.

Picking his jaw up off the floor, Kaiba inched towards the other man, admiring a neat, thick beard poking out of the other's chin like a small forest. Kaiba was not subtle, because he's Kaiba, and the other gazed at him uncomfortably.

"Excuse me," a sweet tenor lilted out from his pouted lips. "I'm just trying to order a clam chowder in a--"

"--in a bread bowl," Kaiba finshed the other's sentence for him, and they both trailed off as though it were fate. A moment passed awkwardly between them, and the stranger laughed once, tucking his hair behind his ear and smiling endearingly at the other like a lead in a beautiful gay romantic comedy.

"My name is Seto Kaiba," the taller of the two said, extending his hand, which was delicately accepted. There was a moment of hesitation that sliced between them, as though the name sucked the very air out of their lungs. A breathless voice made itself known when he had recovered from the shock.

"I'm... Jesus Christ."

"Jesus," Kaiba's tongue caressed the "s"s in the name, flicking toward the back of his teeth and ending the "t" with a white-hot fervor. "I would challenge you to a duel, but you've already drained all of my life points. Would you mind giving me an Aegis of Gaia in the form of an afternoon with delicious fucking soup in a bowl?"

"Literally nothing is more important than slurping soup out of your fluffy, puckering bread bowl," Jesus responded, his eyes blinking with enough gravitas to suggest he understood the importance of such a gesture.

Jesus smiled, a quiet expression that overwhelmed his conversation partner. A single flourescent lamp over Jesus's head glowed brighter than the rest, and for a moment, the entire world revolved around them.

But the moment was all-too-brief.

There was a sudden and violent shattering of glass, and suddenly thick shards were everywhere. Kaiba slipped his arms strongly around Christ's slender frame, protecting him from the brunt of the glass. Jesus, his eyes wiggling from apparent emotion, looked up into Seto's eyes. His hands rested on the expanse of Kaiba's perfectly hairless chest, clenched in fists around Kaiba's skin-tight black totally fashionable turtleneck from the 90s.

"Kaiba..." He whispered the word for the first time. But no sooner had it left his lips than Seto was suddenly gone, his arms yanked away suddenly and violently as mechanical tentacles wrapped themselves around him. Jesus cried out in alarm, falling backwards onto his round, supple buttcheeks and seeing just who was attacking his beloved.

An alien, operating the tentacles which extended from a small backpack hanging from him, stood in the doorway of the Panera, his massive black eyes taunting them with their emptiness. He retracted the tentacles, pulling Kaiba closer to him. His head bashed against the metal framing of the windows, blood spurting out of the gaping crack left in its wake. 

Jesus shrieked, the tears leaving him like a racehorse's piss. His voice echoed out into the world, echoing exactly amount of times that it should to properly express the amount of soul-shattering grief he felt at the sight of the only man he would ever love getting his head beat the ever fucking shit open.

And suddenly...

He was gone.

Everything was gone.

And he was there, sitting on the ground, his cheeks stained with racehorse piss.

It was then that Jesus decided he would take over KaibaCorp, making cards and holograms in Kaiba's honor, driving the company into eventual bankruptcy and leaving him a homeless person on the street. Shortly after, he founded Christianity, and we all know how that turned out.


End file.
